| Current location: | Vault-13 |
| Current mood: |  cheerful |
Philosophical snuff
In light the ongoing trend of suicides in this nation I would like to present this little handy collection of tips. If you've decided to end it all be sure to take things into consideration first so that you get it done right for a change.
#1) Get rid of your porn collection and anything else embarassing that you don't want people to find, like your 400amp vibrator and your nude poster of Pee Wee Herman. Unless, of course, you find nothing embarassing about that at all. More power to you.
#2) Since your parents will just throw all you shit away (unless they're dead themselves), be sure to write some kind of will first to divvy up your loot to those who would actually appreciate it. This is also a good way to rid of all that porn from #1.
#3) Pay for your own damn funeral. Buy a space in a crematorium or at the very least fill an envelope with cash in your "will box" to pay for it. The society of the living is sick of having to pay for the funerals of inconsiderate suicides. We understand accidents happen, sure, but with suicide you've got no excuse - you knew it was coming, right? So be polite and put some money aside to cover these expenses so that your friends can mourn you instead of being pissed off that you dumped yet another stupid expense on them.
#4) Plant a time-delayed bomb in the home of someone who really needs to die (besides yourself). Set the timer for the day after you kill yourself. You've got nothing lose and people will think more of you if they know that you were the guy who took out Kwame or Bush from beyond the grave.
#5) Plan how to do it right. My advice is to travel to France or Japan first. Why? Well why not? Charge it all on your credit card. While you're there, you can do the actual deed by simply stepping in front of a bullet train. Why a bullet train? Glad you asked! These trains, when moving at full speed, are actually faster than the synaptic transit speed of the human body. This means that your brain will be turned into liquified spray before any of your nerves can even send it the message of "oww that hurt." In addition to being painless, it also avoids the issue of funerals altogether because by the time the train comes to stop there won't even be a stain, anymore. Kind of like having you ashes scattered across a fifty kilometer strip without even being cremated first. As you can see the bullet train method is not only pretty painless but it's also very polite as it leaves behind no mortal remains to bury and the cleanup, if any, can be done with a bottle of Windex.
#6) Train your replacement at work. Unless you hate your job, too. In that case start stealing money out of the drawer. Also, any blackmail you have on people should be posted all over the internet as you won't be needing it any longer. It's not like they come after you.
#7) The day before you finally do the deed, be sure to have sex with someone who's life you want to fuck up forever.
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nephilimnexus) wrote,
