Psychic Warfare Department

Bored

2008-05-13T05:04:39Z

I'm bored

Shit That Could Only Happen To Von

2008-05-10T23:36:37Z

Drunk Girl: “Can I get a beeeeer?”
Von: “No.”
Drunk Girl: “Awww why not?”
Von: “Last call was twenty minutes ago. Notice the bar lights are off?”
Drunk Girl: “Can’t you make an exception?”
Von: “I make an exception for you, then I have to make an exception for everyone.”
Drunk Girl: *processing please wait*
Von: “Lights off means bar is closed.”
Drunk Girl: “But I’m cute!”
Von: “ -.- “
Drunk Girl: “Please?”
Von: “Those are the rules, sorry.”
Drunk Girl: “What do you care? Just don’t tell your boss.”
Von: *does not compute*
Drunk Girl: “It’s not like your boss is gonna find out. C’mon, don’t be an asshole!”
Von: “Dere’s a sign on the front that says ‘Von’s Place.’ I’m fuckin’ Von. Who da fuck are you?”

Dave: “So yeah, the general consensus is that everyone in this building hates you.”
Von: “No kidding?”

Von: “Yeah, you should have come over for that one.”
Jarred: “I know, I know, but I went to this loft party instead.”
Von: “Which one?”
Jarred: “Oh it was just down the street. It was cool, there was like a sea of people and these techno DJs and the place had, like, two levels in it with a little room upstairs with a couch and TV where people could hang out and shit.”
Von: “Ummm … that’s my place.”

Antonio: “So check it out, it’s my birthday today, right? Well my girl has been begging me forever to have a threesome together with her forever, now, so last night my brother came over and the two of us totally hit it with her all night.”
Von: “ .............. “
Antonio: “So now it’s my birthday and I’m like, ‘Okay so when’s it my turn girl? You had your two guys, now I wanna have two girls.' ”
Von: “Well I suppose that’s only fair.”
Antonio: “Damn straight. So you a car fanatic?”
Von: “ ... by the way, I’m Von.”
Antonio: “Antonio. Pleased to meet ya!”

"Shit That Could Only Happen To Von" is a side project to the infamous "Shit That Could Only Happen To Doug." It's an interesting parallel, because none of my stories involve myself being the drunken maniac, crazy ideas that I inflicted upon the world or my penis. So these tales exists much like two particles of opposite charge orbiting each other around a central nexus of utter weirdness.

Shit That Could Only Happen To Von

2008-05-10T08:05:29Z

I have a section of closet space that is currently holding at least two hats, two scarves, four shirts, two jackets/sweaters, and a pair of pants - all women's clothing. All of it found in various places around this facility after events.

While I'm sure there are plenty of players out there with far more impressive collections, however what qualifies this in the above title catagory is that the last time I had sex with anyone was back in Denver.

Sometimes even I don't understand my life. Wait, nix that. I have no fucking clue how my life works, anymore. Seriously. I'd have better luck with Freecell #11982 at this rate.

nephilimnexus @ 2008-05-09T15:51:00

2008-05-09T19:52:41Z

At least we've got all the wackos in one place, now.

nephilimnexus @ 2008-05-09T12:13:00

2008-05-09T16:15:06Z

I lack the will to do anything, anymore.

Von's Instant Movie Reviews.

2008-05-09T03:56:45Z

The blockbuster hit "300" in a nutshell:

"This is monotonous!"
"THIS IS STUPID!"

Only just begun the geek wars have

2008-05-08T22:23:01Z

For t3knomanser:

nephilimnexus @ 2008-05-08T13:53:00

2008-05-08T17:53:12Z

Happy Birthday Skye Winterburn.

nephilimnexus @ 2008-05-06T16:10:00

2008-05-06T20:12:45Z

Wave 1: Mildew Spores
Wave 2: Sewage fumes
Wave 3: Bleach fumes
Wave 4: Beer fumes
Wave 5: More bleach fumes

I haven't been this short of breath since Denver. Can't gett enough air in lings. Feeling kind dizzjiunmkhyb vgca

Old Joke

2008-05-05T22:13:27Z

nephilimnexus @ 2008-05-05T08:36:00

2008-05-05T12:43:12Z

Dear New York, San Fransisco and Chicago,

For $800 a month I get to live in a 1500 foot loft by myself. I live alone on the second level of said loft, above the bar from which I throw awesome parties on a weekly basis. I can cram over a hundred people into the dance space in front of that bar - this is not a theory, this is a proven fact. All for less than a grand a month. This is why I only work, at the most, two days a week. My work involves me partying for a living.

Mockingly,
Von

It all makes sense now.

2008-05-03T12:02:51Z

Given the penchant that "moral majority" right-wing politicians & pundits have for the cheapest, nastiests street hookers they can find, Bill O'Reilly's dysfunctional personality issues suddenly start making perfect sense.

It's just the syphillus getting to his brain.

Seperated at birth?

2008-05-03T11:16:04Z

This is when all the goth chicks must ask themselves a painful question.

Paul Reuben (a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman)

Alan Cummings (a.k.a. That Guy You Want So Bad)

So goth ladies, is your new fantasy a three way with these two fine gentlemen?

It's the new pot!

2008-05-02T02:16:42Z

Show me a woman who has never done cocaine in her entire life and I will buy her a ring on general principle.

New Sponsor

2008-05-01T21:45:19Z

Note the name in the bottom right corner.

That's right. The Adult Swim.

Now please excuse me whilst I go masturbate to my own reflection in the mirror.

Philosophical snuff

2008-05-01T15:05:07Z

In light the ongoing trend of suicides in this nation I would like to present this little handy collection of tips. If you've decided to end it all be sure to take things into consideration first so that you get it done right for a change.

#1) Get rid of your porn collection and anything else embarassing that you don't want people to find, like your 400amp vibrator and your nude poster of Pee Wee Herman. Unless, of course, you find nothing embarassing about that at all. More power to you.

#2) Since your parents will just throw all you shit away (unless they're dead themselves), be sure to write some kind of will first to divvy up your loot to those who would actually appreciate it. This is also a good way to rid of all that porn from #1.

#3) Pay for your own damn funeral. Buy a space in a crematorium or at the very least fill an envelope with cash in your "will box" to pay for it. The society of the living is sick of having to pay for the funerals of inconsiderate suicides. We understand accidents happen, sure, but with suicide you've got no excuse - you knew it was coming, right? So be polite and put some money aside to cover these expenses so that your friends can mourn you instead of being pissed off that you dumped yet another stupid expense on them.

#4) Plant a time-delayed bomb in the home of someone who really needs to die (besides yourself). Set the timer for the day after you kill yourself. You've got nothing lose and people will think more of you if they know that you were the guy who took out Kwame or Bush from beyond the grave.

#5) Plan how to do it right. My advice is to travel to France or Japan first. Why? Well why not? Charge it all on your credit card. While you're there, you can do the actual deed by simply stepping in front of a bullet train. Why a bullet train? Glad you asked! These trains, when moving at full speed, are actually faster than the synaptic transit speed of the human body. This means that your brain will be turned into liquified spray before any of your nerves can even send it the message of "oww that hurt." In addition to being painless, it also avoids the issue of funerals altogether because by the time the train comes to stop there won't even be a stain, anymore. Kind of like having you ashes scattered across a fifty kilometer strip without even being cremated first. As you can see the bullet train method is not only pretty painless but it's also very polite as it leaves behind no mortal remains to bury and the cleanup, if any, can be done with a bottle of Windex.

#6) Train your replacement at work. Unless you hate your job, too. In that case start stealing money out of the drawer. Also, any blackmail you have on people should be posted all over the internet as you won't be needing it any longer. It's not like they come after you.

#7) The day before you finally do the deed, be sure to have sex with someone who's life you want to fuck up forever.

Addenum

2008-04-27T06:48:06Z

So going back to Bill Maher's "New Rule" against dissing France.

Okay Detroit is older than the United States itself. It was founded by the French. A trading outpost for beaver furs and whatnot.

Detroit & France have a lot in common to this day. Well, two things, namely: We're very liberal and very heavily armed.

Now most people have short memories and most American's don't know shit for history. When they think of France they think back to WW2 when the Germans stomped all over them. Yes, the Germans beat the French in WW2.

Well I guess there is a first time for everything. What do I mean? Check the whole record of European history and you'll see that the French have a well deserved reputation for being some Bad Mother Fuckers. England to the north, Spain the west, the Holy Roman Empire to the east, every single one of them looking for a piece of France and none of them succeded. From D'Artagnan to Napoleon to Lafayette, up until the 1940s fucking with France was like fucking with Russia. It was a bad idea.

So yes, historically, in the Big Picture, France has had it's share of tyrants, but they solved that problem - by beheading them. In public.

France had always believed in fairness, equality, and liberty for all. And if you try to get in the way of that, they butcher your ass. Just like another group of people who live in the southeast corner of Michigan.

Okay well it's 3am and apparently I'm now re-opening for another crowd of people who decided to drop in. Fun.

My fucked up life

2008-04-27T06:27:57Z

I like moneie
Tonight was another milestone. Not only did I make a decent profit, but someone took out their laptop, hooked it up to my "public" ethernet line, and paid off their bar tab to me with a credit card via PayPal.

Will that be paper or plastic?
Which means that I am now officially cooler than Mephistos, because they're still in the fucking Stone Age by not taking plastic - whilst I, on the other hand, am more a 21st century kind of scumbag.

Better late than never
luciferian finally showed up. Metal guy, metal shows, y'know? About fucking time. Having him show up was a plus, a sort of validation that I'm actually doing it right, now. Or, at the very least, not doing it completely wrong. As always, he brought good advice, whick is kind of the side-service that kung-fu masters are kind of expected to provide to people.

Bartender Rule #1
You must flirst with everyone who flirts with you. Male, female, straight, gay, hot or ugly, if someone flirts with you then you must flirt back. It's just good buisness sense. Keeps them drinking. Heck, they'll even buy you drinks, which is pure profit because otherwise you're just helping yourself to the bar for free, which actually ends up costing you money. As long as they think they've got a chance they'll keep coming back and buying more. It's kind of like being a stripper, only you don't have to be the least bit attractive to do it. The booze does it for you.

Bartender Rule #2
Never have sex with anyone. Male, female, straight, gay, hot or ugly. Having sex with people is bad for buisness because now you've got a regular customer, sure, but they're going to expect to drink for free from now on. Plus they'll get pissy when you continue to follow Rule #1 with everyone else. If you're good in bed, they'll never leave you alone. If you suck in bed then you've just lost a customer. So just don't do it - ever. It's never worth it. I am actually proud to say that I've never boinked any of my patrons or coworkers.

McJob
The moment you start doing something you normally enjoy as an actual job you will no longer enjoy doing it. Just ask any hooker.

For there is space to fill
I need a new roommate. Like NOW. Must be willing to pay $400 a month in rent, live without seeing the sun for days on end, deal with obnoxiously loud music every weekend and survive without any hot water. Any takers?

Didn't think so.

You've GOT to be fucking kidding me.

2008-04-27T00:13:16Z

According to the Chinese, a parasitic brain-eating fungus is an aphrodesiac. Like the Chinese need another fucking aphrodesiac in their country because, you know, there's just not enough of them already. Aphrodesiacs, that is. And the Chinese themselves. You know what China needs? Condoms. Not another aphrodesiac. They need fucking condoms. Trillions of them. And we should make them, here, in America. Fianlly something we know how to make in large numbers that we can sell back to China in the name of trade balance. Idea, huh?

"Hey honey, would you mind popping out a fifteenth kid if I girded my loins up by munching on this parasitic brain-eating fungus first? Don't worry, the doctor said that the chances of me blowing spores into your utereus and you giving birth to a mushroom covered hellbaby are pretty slim. Oh yeah baby, are you in the mood now?"

Dude, if I wanted mushrooms to start growing out of my dick then I'd pick up girls at Shitty Club.

Normally I don't like indie films

2008-04-27T00:01:01Z

Woot!

This guy should run for president.

2008-04-26T08:04:04Z

The lions are getting hungry

2008-04-24T16:54:56Z

"You know, Von, killing people is just wrong."

"So we should never have intervened in WW2 and just let the Nazis take over the world?"

"Ok well sometimes you have no choice. If you have no choice then that's different."

"We had a choice. We could have just sat by and let millions die, just like we did in Rawanda. Just like you have a choice when you decide to eat a steak instead of a salad."

"Cows aren't the same as people. That's different."

"Why? A cow is bigger than a person. A cow contains a lot more living cells than a human being. Killing a cow is, in terms of biomass, a lot more death than just bumping off a single human being."

"But cows aren't intelligent like we are. They're just animals. That's different."

"Ahhh so the killing of less intelligent organisms is ok. Alright, let's start purging all the retards, underachievers, drop outs and Down Syndrome kids in gas chambers, then. After all, they're not as smart as you or me. Or at least me."

"But they're human beings! That's different!"

"So a human being that dumber than a pig still has more right to live than a pig does because it's a human being? So the real issue is really just killing outside your own species, is that it?"

"Well it's wrong to needlessly kill a member of your own species. That's different."

"So if a human kills a citizen of this planet who's not a member of the human race then that's ok?"

"Yes, that's fine. That's different."

"Well then by that reasoning then the reverse would also be true. After all, lions eat anterlopes, owls eat mice and sharks eat pretty much anything they can find. Even humans are preyed upon by various diseases and microbes of all kinds. Is that fair?"

"Well yeah, I guess so, that's how nature works, after all."

"Good. Now watch what happens when I pull this lever."

*splash*

"Aiigh!"

"Welcome to my shark tank. But don't worry, I'm not the one killing you, the shark is. It's perfectly fair, after all. Struggle all you want but the superior species will win in the end. Because if it is just a shark that kills you and not me, well, that's different."

Some hippie once told me that everything in nature is beautiful.

2008-04-22T12:26:48Z

Enjoy your lunch.

Hey guyfie and glinted, any way we could get these things to work on humans? I have this totally cool idea ...

Hereditary Traits.

2008-04-22T09:12:22Z

As predicted my mother took the libery of selling my grandmother's old house, forging her name on all the documents and pocketing every last dime to buy a few more acres of swampland for her goats. The only part that offends me in this is that by doing so she has condemned my ailing grandmother to spend the rest of her days in a trailer house adjacent to my mother. My grandmother has hated my mother since I was five years old. She has a long list of reasons, too, even longer than my own, if you can imagine such a thing. No one should be forced out of their own home and into the care of someone for whom you have a mutual death wish.

The thing that is making my brow furrow right now, though, is that I am wondering if my mother actually bothered to take my grandfather's creamated ashes out of my grandmother's closet first and took them the Veteran's graveyard & the burial site there that he earned back in WW2. Knowning my mother it is far more likely that she just tossed them into the nearest garbage can. Yes, that is exactly the kind of person she is. Always has been. Now why my grandmother insisted on keeping them in her closet for long is beyond my understanding. Perhaps she just couldn't stand the idea of being seperated from him, but it would seem odd that she would carry so much sentiment over this man when she spent most of her married years in a constant state of adultry with various biker gang memebers. Oh well, women are insane and men are just plain stupid.

"The Devil possesses the broadest perspectives for God, and consequently he stays so far away from him." - Nietzsche

Still, should I actually outlive her, I can add some gravel and water to her ashes and use the resulting concrete to fashion myself a rather durable toilet seat.

So it turns out my mom was having an affair with George Carlin ...

2008-04-22T05:40:25Z

... I mean how else can you explain it?